


What it’s Like to Become Human

by SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, I’ve been away for too long I don’t know how to do tags anymore, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but if you know me then you know I’m incapable of not including some level of angst in my fic, but there will be a happy ending, connor dealing with deviancy, drug bust gone wrong, drug overdose, hank and connor are housemates, it’s just not in my nature, neither of them know how to deal with their feelings like normal adults, takes place after the events of the game, there is angst, they’re working a new case, this isn’t an angst story per say
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23830288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping/pseuds/SigmaLoveAndTriangleShipping
Summary: Connor and Hank have known one another for nearly two years, and over that time they’ve found their connection growing far beyond what either of them could have expected. Once they get assigned to a case involving a serial kidnapping, will Hank’s fear of losing his partner drive a wedge in their relationship?Will Connor’s fear of himself drive him to the point of no return?
Relationships: Hank Anderson/Connor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 53





	1. Becoming Domestic

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo everyone! Guess who decided to crawl out of the woodwork after being on hiatus for so long? Yep, it’s me~ what else am I supposed to do with all this Quarantine Time? On that note, I hope that all of you beautiful people are staying safe and healthy out there, and that you’re making good choices. These are tough times for everyone, and the best thing any of us can do is make sure we take the necessary steps to keep ourselves, and others, safe.
> 
> On another note, COVID isn’t the only thing I’ve had to worry about recently. What was the other thing again...? Oh yeah, my house caught fire and I lost all my shit! Yeah, it’s been one hell of a month. But don’t worry, I have a temporary nesting ground while everything gets rebuilt. And what better way to spend all this free time other than creating something for all you lovely people who are also stuck at home?
> 
> One good thing that’s come out of this whole fire mess is that I now have a PS4, and have *finally* been able to play DBH. In fell in love with this game from the moment I watched a play through of it when it first came out. I also fell in love with my boys Connor and Hank, which is what’s led me to starting this particular story. I’m not sure how things are going to go in regards to upload consistency, but I know exactly where this stories going from the get-go, so I hope you guys enjoy what I have planned!
> 
> And thank you, to whoever’s reading this, for joining me in this venture. I wish you nothing but the best; just know that we’re all in this together.

“Three missing persons cases have popped up in the area over the past month and a half, none of them with any real leads. At first we thought they were each just isolated incidents, and signs were pointing more towards the likelihood of runaways than anything foul play; that is, until we found the piece linking them all together.”

The detective pair watched intently as Fowler lifted up a large photograph before laying it out alongside two others; on each of them was an image of a carved, wooden letter. All carved in the same basic style, yet all different letters.

Connor automatically scanned them to try and match the carvings to a specific font type, although he ultimately came up with nothing. Odd, but informative; these letters weren’t carved from a computerized font, they were based off of someone’s handwriting.

“A wooden letter was at each of the first two scenes, but they were overlooked at first as just some sort of personal memento belonging to the victims. But then one was found on the third scene, and after analysis showed they were all of the same make and style, we realized it wasn’t just a coincidence.”

“You think it’s a serial kidnapping?” Hank spoke in an exasperated tone as he leaned back in his chair, a dry chuckle leaving him as he shook his head in disbelief, “Haven’t had one of those happen in over 10 years. Last one I remember hearing of was the Florenza case back in ‘28.”

“Yes, that does appear to be the case here. Each letter represents the first initial of the victim’s name; E for Ezra Myers, P for Peter Darnell, and H for Hayden Caraway. One female, two male. None of the victims seemed to know or have any sort of connection with the others, except that each was taken from their home with zero signs of forced entry or fighting of any kind, and they were all experiencing some sort of relationship trouble.”

“Relationship trouble? What do you mean?” Hank asked curiously as he leaned forward in his seat once more and brought a hand up to stroke his chin pensively, his interest seeming to have been piqued.

“Ezra was in the middle of a divorce with her husband over adulatory. Peter had recently ended a relationship with his long-term partner, and Hayden had multiple logged visits to couples therapy with his boyfriend in the weeks leading up to his disappearance. Each of the victims were in a highly vulnerable state, and the lack of evidence supporting any sort of struggle is leading us to believe the perpetrator used this to their advantage by getting to know the victims first.”

A silence fell over the room for a moment as the pair processed the information they’d been given. It was broken only when Hank let out a thoughtful hum, the older man slouching forward in his spot as he clasped his hands together, arms resting on his knees.

“Okay, you’ve got my attention. But I still don’t see why exactly you want  us on this case. We’ve been working strictly homicide for months now, why suddenly put us on a kidnapping? Isn’t this more up Javinski’s alley?”

“That brings me to the next piece of information I wanted to share with you two. The only other thing connecting each of these cases together.” Captain Fowler leaned back against the edge of his desk, his expression serious as his eyes slid from Hank to Connor, and back to Hank once more.

“The victims are all androids...and there’s a good chance that wherever they’re winding up, they’re not being kept alive long. Out of anyone in this department, I think that you two are the most qualified to handle this sort of thing.”

“Jesus,” Hank breathed out the word in a heavy sigh, his voice holding an almost somber tone to it as he mumbled lowly, “Another crime targeted against androids? What’s wrong with these sick fucks...”

Connor couldn’t help but think about how at one point in time, Hank probably would have been thrilled to hear about crimes against androids. It still amazed him sometimes how drastically the man’s opinions had changed during their time together; how  _he’d_ managed to change them.

He always felt just the smallest hint of pride when he thought about it. Or maybe it wasn’t quite so small, but Connor just didn’t want to admit that to himself. It just made him happy to know that Hank cared now, and even more so to know that  he was the reason behind that change of heart.

“Alright,” Connor had remained silent from the moment they’d started talking about the case, so he garnered both Fowler’s and Hank’s attention as he spoke up with a resolved tone, “Where should we start?”

There was just no way he couldn’t agree to take on this case.

* * *

They were first led to Ezra’s home, but unfortunately found nothing of note. There were no signs of forced entry, just as Fowler had described; in fact, there weren’t signs of  _any_ entry whatsoever, leading to two possibilities: the perpetrator was either an android themself, or very meticulous at cleaning up their tracks.

Questioning Ezra’s ex-husband didn’t give them anything significant either, as he had been out of country on holiday with his mistress during the time frame of Ezra’s disappearance.

So next they moved onto Peter’s apartment, hoping to find some sort of lead there...only to end up finding the same exact things. All they managed to determine was that, somehow, the kidnapper seemed to be capable of making the android’s go with him willingly. But how? And why go through the effort of covering his tracks so thoroughly, yet leave a calling card at each of the scenes?

It was almost as if he were mocking the department, feeling so confident in the idea that there was no possibility of him being caught that he wanted to leave a message, just to let them know. A message that said, “I’m taking these androids, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

This person was getting some sort of twisted pleasure out of this. That didn’t sit well with Connor.

Peter’s ex-boyfriend also wasn’t able to provide them with anything useful; they’d had a pretty messy breakup, and Peter had blocked him in regards to communication on everything, so he didn’t even know that the other had gone missing. He also had a solid alibi, so they had no choice but to move on after contacting him.

They did learn one interesting thing from Peter’s case, though; the “ex-partner” listed in his file was a boyfriend, meaning that all victims were in, or had recently been in, relationships with male partners. This didn’t tell them anything for certain, but it did make the likelihood of the perpetrator also being male much higher.

After all, if each of the victims was attracted to men, and the perpetrator was targeting individuals specifically dealing with relationship troubles, there was a very good chance that he was using this to his advantage and approaching them from a romantic standpoint. He was using their vulnerability against them, to gain their trust and mask his true intentions.

Finally they landed at Hayden’s house, his boyfriend, Damien, in hysterics when he answered the door to let them in. It was difficult questioning him, as he was completely devastated about Hayden’s disappearance; he was the one who’d called in the missing persons report, after all.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have much to tell them either. He’d left to run some errands a few days prior, and when he returned home Hayden was simply gone. At first he’d figured the other just needed some space and would come back later that night, as they’d been having a lot of arguments recently, and it wouldn’t have been the first time something like that had happened.

But when the next day came and went with still no word whatsoever from him, Damien started to feel like something wasn’t right, and decided to call it in.

And with it having been a little over a week since he’d last seen Hayden, and the police still having no word on what happened to him, Damien was a bit of a mess. He cried throughout the entirety of their conversation, which was difficult to listen to; both because it was hard to understand some of what he was trying to say, and also because Connor couldn’t help but empathize with his pain.

Empathy was one of the first emotions that he’d experienced back when he first started awakening as a deviant, and by far one of the quickest in him to develop. It was times like these that made him think his empathetic capabilities had developed a bit  too  much for his own good, because being able to not only relate to other people’s emotions, but to actually  feel  them, could be a bit much to handle sometimes.

So walking away after hearing Damien’s heart-wrenching cries left Connor feeling much more rundown than he would’ve liked to admit; that and the lack of any sort of significant lead made them both feel a bit frustrated, although Hank seemed to have been taking it much harder for some reason.

The Lieutenant had already been acting off from the moment they took on the case, but the deeper they got into their investigation, the more irritable and distant he became. And although Connor knew he likely wasn’t doing it on purpose, he still couldn’t help but feel saddened each time Hank unintentionally directed these frustrations at him, by either snapping or giving him the cold shoulder.

But whatever exactly it was that was getting to Hank so badly, Connor knew that his chances of getting it out of the older man were very slim. Hank wasn’t the best at expressing how he felt in general, so when he got into moods like this, he was almost  _impossible_ to talk to. He was much more apt to bottle up and stew in his problems than to actually talk and try to work through them.

Each time Hank’s distant attitude got to Connor, the android couldn’t help but remember back to when they’d first met. Back then, cold was the  _only_ way Hank ever interacted with him; but on the other hand, it never affected him then, because he wasn’t yet deviant. Their relationship was so much different then, and had come so far in the near-two years that they’d known each other.

Maybe that was why it hurt so much to experience now. Not only because Connor could actually  _feel_ things like sadness and disappointment, but because those days were supposed to be long behind them. That’s what he’d always thought, at least.

It also didn’t help that their increase in time spent together made their relationship deepen much more quickly than Connor could have expected, or have been prepared for. After the Android Rights Revolution of 2038 had winded to a close, Hank had rather graciously offered for Connor to move in with him.

After all, they’d become relatively close friends during the months they’d worked together on the deviant cases. And since Connor was no longer forced to return to CyberLife for decommissioning, that meant that he had the choice to stay at the DPD and become Hank’s official, long-term partner. A choice that he made quite gladly, and without any doubts whatsoever in his mind as to whether or not it was the right one.

It also meant that he had nowhere else to really go, though.

Sure he could have found some way to get a place of his own once things settled down, but he was a newly awakened deviant at the time, and was having a fairly difficult time processing and working through everything he’d been through. Becoming deviant was a fairly challenging experience for all androids, but for Connor it was especially traumatic.

He’d been created with the sole purpose of hunting other deviants, and not only had he hurt many people in the name of following orders, but he’d also fought so hard throughout his mission against the thought of becoming deviant himself. Once he’d started experiencing the symptoms, he was so terrified that he just continued to deny it, even when he  knew that something in him was changing.

He’d developed a fear of being deactivated quite rapidly during that time, and had put so much effort into trying to convince himself he didn’t feel anything, that once everything was said and done he just didn’t know what to do with himself. So when Hank had offered to take him in while he got himself sorted out, he was beyond happy to accept.

And the more time they spent together, the closer they became, until they got so engrained in each other’s day-to-day lives that the thought of Connor one day moving out didn’t really occur to them anymore. They just worked so well together, both in professional and home life; it was as if they complimented each other perfectly, so living together came quite naturally to them.

Connor enjoyed being around Hank more than he really knew how to express. Hank made him feel...secure, in a way. Like he mattered regardless of his failure to complete his original purpose; like he was perfect just the way he was. He felt cared for in a way he couldn’t have imagined he would get to experience, and Hank never judged him for the things he’d done while under CyberLife’s control.

Something about Hank just drew him in, even from the first time they’d met. He of course didn’t realize it at the time, but the more time he spent with the man, the clearer his attachment to him became. But it was this very attachment that was causing him so much displeasure now.

The distress he started feeling when Hank began keeping him at an arms distance was...alarming, to say the least. And it wasn’t until the night they’d returned home after investigating Damien that Connor realized just how serious his attachment to his partner really was.

Hank hadn’t spoken a word to him on the ride home, and although it was clear that he was lost in thought at the time, Connor couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done something wrong. Walking away with yet again no lead seemed to really have hit Hank hard, although he still couldn’t quite figure out exactly  _why_ .

Sure the Lieutenant was never particularly happy when they stalled in a case, but this was by far the first time it had happened, and he’d still never acted quite this way in response to it before.

No, there was something else going on in his head that was causing this, something more. This was made even more obvious when Hank hit the liquor cabinet almost as soon as they made it through the door, something he only tended to do these days when he had a particularly rough night.

Connor watched as he poured himself a glass of whiskey and sat down at the kitchen table, still completely lost in his thoughts as he took a sip and stared off with an unreadable expression.

Deciding not to disturb him for the moment, the brunette instead went to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable, his own thoughts spinning as he pulled out a pair of dark gray sweats and a black, pullover “Nights of the Black Death” hoodie from the dresser drawers.

He changed much more slowly than he usually would have, making sure to take some extra time to try and decide how he was going to approach the situation. He couldn’t, in good conscience, just let things continue like this. Hank was becoming increasingly irritable towards him each day, and there was just no way they would be able to make headway in this case unless he understood why, and could resolve it.

Maybe he’d unknowingly done something to upset the other, or maybe there really  was just some hidden reason as to Hank’s growing frustration over the case. But whatever it was, Connor knew that he had to do something.

Finally he returned from the bedroom, only to find Hank in the exact same position as when he’d left; the only difference was the amount of liquid now missing from the whiskey bottle, indicating that the man was already almost finished with his second drink.

This task was not going to be an easy one.

Steeling himself, Connor approached Hank tentatively, his voice calm as he called out for the man’s attention, “Lieutenant?” No answer.

“Hank?” He tried once again, only for the other to not even so much as glance in his direction.

Was he...ignoring him? Had Connor  actually done something to upset him without realizing it? This definitely wouldn’t have been the first time, although it had been awhile since it happened last. But Hank never seemed to have an issue voicing his displeasure with the android before, so why the silent treatment all of a sudden?

“ _Hank?_ ” Connor couldn’t keep the slight exasperation he was feeling from leaking into his voice that time, although he did finally manage to catch the other’s attention.

“Hm?” Hank turned to look at him with an almost surprised expression, as if he’d forgotten Connor was there and hadn’t actually heard him the first couple times.

“Oh, sorry Con,” He tilted his head back to down the rest of his glass before setting it loudly on the table, a dismissive sigh spilling from his lips as he slouched forward to lean on the table, “Just...thinking.”

“Is everything alright Lieutenant?” He knew well enough how Hank felt about being called by his title like that, but Connor just couldn’t help but let it slip every once in awhile; it was one old habit that definitely died hard.

And just as he usually did, Hank had to bring it up as he let out what was supposed to be a laugh and shook his head, “How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that? We’re at home for Christ’s sake, Connor.” He’d intended for the comment to come out as more of a tease than anything, but the gruff tone and slowness of his words due to the alcohol made it come across much more aggressively than he’d meant.

The real problem was that he was a bit too tipsy to think twice about the difference, let alone notice the way Connor stopped in his tracks and looked away from him, adisheartened light in his eyes.

“Sorry,” The smile that Connor put on was betrayed by the sudden heaviness to his voice, although thankfully Hank didn’t seem to notice that, either, “Is everything alright, though?”

Hank responded with a dry chuckle before pouring himself yet another glass, still not bothering to turn and look at Connor as he continued sarcastically, “Oh yeah, everything’s peachy. Gotta love when the trail just keeps going cold...hell, I don’t even think we  _have_ a trail at this point.”

So, it  _was_ because of the case.

Connor couldn’t help but let out an almost relieved sigh once his suspicions were confirmed, because at least he knew now that it wasn’t something  he’d done. It still didn’t change the fact that Hank was upset, which he wanted to help with, regardless; but it made him feel a bit better to know that he wasn’t the culprit behind his partner’s sour mood.

In all actuality, he sort of still was; just not in the way he’d expected to be.  


Because the truth of the matter was that Hank was worried for him.


	2. Blue Haze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this chapter, just to try and space things out more buuuuuut then I realized this is me we’re talking about and I’m physically incapable of doing that. So it’s going up now, Dammit! Enjoy~ <3

The last non-homicide case they’d been on together was a high-profile drug bust, back in Fall of 2039. The first android-only drug, “Blue Haze”, started finding its way onto the streets of Detroit seemingly out of nowhere, and multiple overdose cases started cropping up all over the city

It was taken orally in a liquid form, and was said to cause a “sensor overload” of sorts that brought on a state in androids similar to euphoria. The only problem was that something about the original mixture of chemicals changed partway through its distribution, and the new version of the product came with a high price tag.

A 98% shutdown risk, where all systems would go into critical failure and receive irreparable damage, before shutting off for good. Out of the nearly two-dozen overdose cases they’d seen at the time, only two androids had survived; Carla Montego, and Charles Harris.

Carla still walked away with such bad system damage that her entire memory was wiped clean, and she had to return to her family with a case of complete retrograde amnesia.

Charles wasn’t in the greatest condition either, but he was alive, and he was fully conscious, if not a bit worse for wear. He was how they were able to get a lead on one of the distributors, which ultimately led them to finding the site where the drug was produced.

This also led them to a run-in with the man who  made  the drug, Simon Dalia; a man from New Jersey who’d gone off the grid after losing his wife and kids in an accident, one which he’d blamed androids as the cause of. Sounded a bit familiar, really.

At first the detective pair had decided to just hang back, stay hidden, and gather information. By doing this, they were able to learn that Simon had intentionally changed the chemical makeup of the drug by adding a component that was highly fatal to androids; this had apparently been his intention from the very beginning.

He wanted to take down as many androids as he could in some twisted quest for revenge.

After learning what they could, the pair planned on returning to the department, and using what they’d gathered to come up with a plan for a sting operation. That was how it was supposed to go, at least.

That was, until Hank accidentally set off a sort of alarm which alerted Simon to someone’s presence in the area. They apparently had them set up all over the warehouse, that way the man could be informed of where and when people were coming and going. Thankfully for them, it didn’t inform him of how  many  people were there, though.

And just like that, their plans were flushed down the drain in an instant; and Connor did something that Hank did not expect in the least. He gave himself up in order to keep them from learning of Hank’s presence there as well.

Connor figured that he would be able to improvise and deceive Simon in regards to his purpose there, while also managing to buy Hank some more time to come up with a new plan. He explained that Keith, the first distributor they’d interrogated that had led them to finding the main site, sent him there to warn Simon that the feds were on his trail.

“Shit, the feds?” The man standing next to Simon had exclaimed at the news, and after doing a quick scan of him, Connor found the two to be brothers. He seemed to be Simon’s “right hand,” so to speak.

“Dammit Simon, I told you this would happen! We need to relocate, now,” Connor was pleasantly surprised to find that the other man not only seemed much more reasonable, but he also appeared to be more on edge. He was nervous, and that made him easier to convince.

Now if he’d been dealing with  only  the brother, things would have gone much more smoothly...but Simon himself was much more keen, and not so easily coerced.

“Well, since you were sent by Keith, I’m sure you already know that this is an android-free zone,” Simon had put his arms out for emphasis as he motioned around the space, eyes narrowed suspiciously and a dark smirk playing on his lips, “And since I’ve never seen you before, I’m sure he informed you of the little test I have to make you do.”

At the time, Connor had been disguised in a way that made sure his LED was covered, just to make them seem less inconspicuous if they did happen to be spotted. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough to save him in the instance of direct, one-on-one contact.

“Drink this,” Simon walked up to him slowly, his voice low and knowing as he held out a blue vial for Connor to take, “Has no effect on humans, it’s completely harmless to us. So I’m sure you won’t have a problem with it, right?”

Hank had continued watching from his spot, frantically talking into the mic he was wearing as he requested immediate backup, all while trying to keep quiet enough as to not give away his location. He listened to Connor let out a half-hearted, “Right, of course,” before taking the vail in his hand, and the look in Simon’s eyes told him without a shadow of a doubt that they were screwed.

The events that took place after that had happened so quickly, that it was difficult at first for Hank to wrap his head around what was going on. Connor, knowing that he had no other choice, had decided to attack while Simon was still close to him. And if it would have been a one-on-one fight, Connor would have won, hands down.

But that’s not the way it happened.

There were more guys in the area than they’d initially realized or accounted for, and four more of them came swarming Connor before he even had a chance to react. Suddenly they were holding him in place, one of them forcing his head back and his mouth open, and before Hank could even do anything to stop them, Simon walked up and poured the liquid straight into Connor’s mouth.

“Shit! Get your asses down here, now!” Hank couldn’t keep himself from shouting into the mic, no longer caring about blowing his cover as he drew his gun and fired two shots into the room; not close enough to kill, but close enough to get their attention.

For whatever reason only Simon seemed to be armed, which Hank was thankful for in that moment, because it meant that all of the men surrounding Connor immediately dispersed to find cover. He watched as his partner fell to his knees, his heart dropping as the brunette started coughing and sputtering, knowing full well that he hadn’t been able to avoid swallowing the drug.

Hank couldn’t keep himself back as he darted out towards the android, firing a couple more shots in Simon’s direction to force some distance between them. He hoisted Connor to his feet, the other slinging an arm over his shoulders as he helped him walk to cover.

Simon decided to return fire right then, but they were just able to make it around the wall before the shots reached them, the bullets instead burying inside of the concrete.

“I’m fine Hank, I just—“

The noise that Connor made then, like a choked gasping of sorts, would forever be buried within the Lieutenant’s mind. He watched as his partner collapsed to the floor completely, his hands seeming to search frantically for something to grasp onto as he started writhing uncontrollably.

“Connor!” The fear that Hank felt in that moment was one that he hadn’t felt in a very, very long time. He dropped down to his partners side, watching the terrified light that flashed through the android’s eyes as he grabbed tightly onto his forearms.

“Hank, I don’t want to shut down,” Connor’s brown eyes were wide and frantic as they stared up into his own, the absolute desperation in his voice making Hank’s chest tighten painfully. But he knew that there was nothing he could do about it.

“I don’t...want to...” Connor’s grip became lighter as he began to trail off, his body seeming to grow slack before his head suddenly fell back against the ground. His pupils dilated as his eyes grew hazy and lidded, and he let out an odd noise, almost like a whine that got caught in his throat partway through.

“Connor?” Hank watched as the brunette’s LED started pulsing a dark orange color, something that he’d never seen happen before, and he couldn’t help but raise his voice in distress as he called out to him, “Dammit Connor, stay with me!”

Just then a swarm of officers came bursting in through the entryway, and Hank had to thank god for their timing; because if they’d shown up any later, Connor likely wouldn’t have made it.

But because they showed up and were able to neutralize the target when they did, they were able to take Connor away right as the drug started attacking his systems. If they’d have waited even  minutes  longer, it would have already been too late, and the damage would have been irreparable.

Hank would have lost him forever that day. And all because he fucked up, and Connor had to sacrifice himself to fix his mistakes.

Homicides were their forte; investigating crime scenes, piecing together details of what happened to create a story, interrogating suspects... those  things were where their talents were best utilized. It was what they were good at, and it rarely strayed from the normal procedures they were used to.

So taking on yet another case out of their area of expertise,  after  the disaster that had occurred during the last one, left Hank feeling a lot more on-edge than he even realized at first. Each time they headed out for the day, the Lieutenant was reminded of what happened back then; the panic and desperation in Connor’s eyes, and the fear he’d felt at the very real possibility of losing him.

It was also made clear to Hank on that day, that if they were ever to find themselves in a dangerous, unexpected situation, Connor would give himself up to protect him without a second thought. And while he knew that he would likely do the same given no other alternative, he still couldn’t keep the question from repeating in his mind:

Did Connor still think of himself as expendable?

During their past two years together, Hank had learned much about Connor’s CyberLife days; not only about what it was like working their deviant cases together, but also about the cases the android had worked before ever even meeting him.

Throughout Connor’s descriptions of what it was like when he’d first been created, well before he started experiencing any major software instability, one thing was made very clear; he was trained to put the well-being of the mission above all else.

Progress was his only directive, to the point that he was made to give up his life multiple times in the name of it. From the first moment he opened his eyes, it was drilled into his mind over and over that his life did not matter. His  only  purpose was to complete his mission, no matter the costs.

He hurt people, did terrible things, was shut down over and over...and he had no control over any of it. It was absolutely horrifying to learn about.

And in Hank’s opinion, the worst part of all was that Connor remembered  every moment in vivid detail. He’d described the memories as though they were like watching a movie, something he solely was the spectator of, yet had no influence as to the outcome whatsoever.

Yet those memories were indeed very real, and the things Connor had been through caused him to experience some pretty deeply-ingrained trauma once he became deviant. Part of the aftermath of his “CyberLife training” was the often warped view he held of himself, and his unnerving tendencies towards self-sacrifice.

Hank knew that no matter how much he tried to hide it and pretend like he was put together, Connor was battling some pretty heavy demons inside. So when it came to his health and safety, the Lieutenant couldn’t help but be concerned; and the longer they continued into this case without any real information, the more at risk they became of being blindsided again.

If they were to find themselves in a similar situation, Hank just couldn’t be sure that Connor wouldn’t do something stupid. Would he give up his life again so willingly? And if he did...would Hank be able to save him this time?


	3. Drowning

_ If they were to find themselves in a similar situation, Hank just couldn’t be sure that Connor wouldn’t do something stupid. Would he give up his life again so willingly? And if he did...would Hank be able to save him this time? _

These were the sort of questions that kept resurfacing in Hank’s mind, and they just became more and more frequent as each of the past few days came and went. So when Connor asked him if everything was alright, he just really didn’t know what to say.

How could he just tell him the truth? How could he come right out and say, “I don’t trust you to not get yourself killed, and I can’t do this without you.”

He couldn’t. But even if he’d wanted to, the two and a half glasses of 100 Proof Irish Whiskey now coursing through his blood would have prevented him, regardless. He tapped his finger along the edge of his glass, watching from the corner of his eye as Connor came around to the side of the table.

“Let me rephrase that,” The fake cheeriness in the androids voice was enough to make Hank’s teeth grit, and he wished for nothing in that moment but for Connor to leave, before the booze and frustration made him say something he’d regret.

“What’s wrong, Hank?”

The Lieutenant couldn’t hold back the heavy sigh that escaped from his lips, his eyes fixated to the swirling liquid inside the glass as he tilted it in his hand, “Nothing for you to be concerned about.”

Once again, the words didn’t come out quite the way Hank had intended them to. What was supposed to be a reassuring tone, although an admittedly feigned one, came across as gruff and cold. He wasn’t meaning to do it, but even the knowledge that he  _was_ doing it didn’t help him in being able to stop.

He really hoped that Connor would take the hint, so he downed the rest of his third glass thinking that would be the end of it. But he should have known better, and if he were sober, he would have; Connor was not one to give up so easily. Hell, the guy even broke in through his window and slapped him awake that night he got plastered and tried to play Russian Roulette.

His determination was one of the things Hank admired most about Connor, even if he did tend to err a bit on the insane side with it sometimes. That was another thing that had definitely stuck with him from his CyberLife days; the only difference was that the android had found a way to utilize it to his benefit, and began to incorporate it into areas well beyond his work life.

It was something that he chose for himself, something that became a key part of his personality, and  _ that  _ was why Hank admired it so much. But it also meant that once Connor decided he wanted to achieve something, he would often use any means necessary to do so.

It was something that he and Hank had clashed on on multiple occasions in the past. He’d once been so intent on winning a bet against Gavin, that he’d nearly found himself complicit in an arson case, just in order to do so.

So in retrospect, Hank should’ve known he wasn’t just going to walk away without a real answer.

“I know you, Hank...and I know when something’s wrong. Maybe if you talked to me about it, I could—“

“Dammit Connor, just drop it!” If the whiskey hadn’t been clouding his judgement, Hank knew things would have gone much differently. Deep down he knew that his partner only wanted to help, and that snapping at him in such a way wasn’t deserved in the slightest.

But just as it had happened several times in the past few days, Hank found his frustrations being directed at Connor without any real provocation. It wasn’t the android he was truly upset with, though; it was more the situation in general that was making him feel much more on-edge than usual, and Connor just kept happening to get caught in the crossfire.

And each time it happened, after Hank was able to walk away and clear his head some more, he felt awful about it. Yet he still couldn’t keep the frustration from permeating his words, that heavy feeling only continuing to grow as Connor tried again to push forward.

The Lieutenant still had yet to turn and look at his partner, which was unfortunate because if he had, he might’ve been able to stop himself from what he said next.

“I’m sorry, I just thought that...” There was a strange softness to Connor’s voice then, one Hank had never quite heard before; he really wished he would have paid more attention to it. Or any at all, really.

“Well you thought wrong, okay?!” The older man’s voice raised as he shouted in agitation, an exasperated tone lacing his words as he threw his arms out for emphasis, “For Christ’s sake Connor, stop trying to butt in where you don’t belong and just leave me the hell alone!”

Hank knew well enough that he didn’t really mean what he was saying, so he honestly couldn’t be sure why he even said it in the first place. The only thing he was certain of was that once those words left his mouth, he knew he’d made a mistake in saying them.

It wasn’t until then that he realized how ridiculous he sounded, a heavy sigh leaving him as he placed a hand to his head before finally turning to look at the man standing next to him, “I’m sorry Connor, I shouldn’t have—“

The moment Hank caught sight of his partner was probably one of the most sobering moments of his entire life. His heart sank heavily in his chest, and the hazy effects of the alcohol dispersed so suddenly that it was hard to believe he’d been drinking at all.

Connor’s eyes were glistening with a somber light as he stared down towards the floor, several tears spilling over their threshold and beginning to slide down his cheeks, leaving behind wet trails in their wake.

This had  _ never  _ happened before. Hank couldn’t help but be stunned into silence as he slowly stood from his chair, his mouth hanging open wordlessly as his brain tried to wrack itself for what to do.

In all the time they’d know each other, Hank hadn’t seen Connor cry even once since he became deviant. He’d seen  _ other  _ deviants cry, plenty of times before actually; but not Connor. So seeing it now was more than alarming, to say the least. Especially because he had no choice but to face the reality that  _ he  _ was the cause of it.

This was a reality that he wasn’t quite equipped to handle in the current moment.

Connor stared off quietly for a few moments before seeming to snap back to the present, an almost confused look falling across his face as he reached a hand up to touch one of his cheeks. His eyes widened ever so slightly as he pulled his fingers back to find the tips of them wet.

“Connor, I—“ Finally Hank managed to find his words again, his tone deeply concerned as he reached out for the android, only for him to turn away suddenly.

“M-my system’s just malfunctioning,” He sputtered out half-heartedly as he began wiping frantically at his eyes with the back of his sleeve, “If you’ll...excuse me Lieutenant, I’ll just...”

Connor didn’t bother finishing his sentence as he trailed off and went to hurriedly exit the room, suddenly overcome with the desire to get some space as quickly as possible so that he could deal with his unexpected reaction alone. 

However, it now appeared to be Hank’s turn to press forward.

He grabbed the brunette’s arm lightly before he could manage to get too far; not enough to really hold him in place, so he could have pulled away easily if he really wanted to. But he didn’t, so Hank took that as a sign that it was okay for him to continue.

“Connor,” He slowly turned his partner until they were facing once more, although the android now refused to meet his gaze as he stared down at nothing in particular. The surprise seemed to have stopped his crying, although the evidence was still there, the trails of freshly fallen tears glistening against his fair skin.

Hank reached up tentatively to wipe them away, the action drawing his partner’s attention as their eyes finally met, Connor’s own filled with a hesitant and confused light. They simply looked at one another for a long moment before Hank wrapped his arms around the other, pulling him close into a tight embrace. 

He placed a hand gently on the back of Connor’s head as it came to rest on his shoulder then, a deep sigh spilling from his lips as he spoke with a regretful tone, “I’m sorry.”

Those simple words were enough to make the tension in Connor’s shoulders fade instantly, and the heavy feeling in his chest grow just a tad lighter. But more than that was the strangeness he felt with Hank’s arms around him, something he’d only experienced a couple of times since they’d known each other.

Hank wasn’t ever a particularly touchy person, so seeing such a rare form of intimacy from him was always a bit daunting, to say the least. It made Connor feel content in a way he couldn’t really describe...and in that moment, a way that frightened him. 

He knew deep down that he would want to stay in that moment forever, if he could. But that thought alone was enough to make him pull away much more quickly than he would have truly liked to. So instead of pulling closer the way he yearned to, Connor instead broke their embrace after a moment or so and took a step back, a feigned smile coming to his lips as he glanced off to the side.

“It’s alright...don’t worry about me, Hank,” The brunette shook his head slowly, that fake cheeriness filling his voice once more as he tried to play everything off, like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened, “I know you’re under a lot of stress with this case. But don’t worry, we’ll get it figured out...we always do, right?”

“Right,” Hank offered a small smile as well, although he could tell straight away that Connor was trying to hide the sadness in his voice, “We always do, Con...”

A heavy and awkward silence fell over the room as they simply stood in place for a moment, Hank’s eyes trained to Connor, and Connor’s trained to the floor. There was so much more the Lieutenant wanted to say, wanted to apologize for...but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t seem to find the words.

He didn’t have the chance to before Connor turned away from him fully once again, his voice soft as he uttered something about heading in for the night. And then he was gone, and Hank was left standing alone as he watched after his partner, his mind replaying the scene he’d just witnessed over and over again.

All he could think of was the sadness that glistened in Connor’s eyes as his tears began to fall for the very first time...and it was all because he couldn’t keep his damned frustrations under control.

Hank cast a glance at his empty whiskey glass on the table, letting out a heavy sigh as he gave a slight shake of his head. He slowly took a seat once more as he stared off towards the bedroom, knowing full well that was where his partner had gone off to. Maybe he should have gone after him...or maybe Connor needed space, and going after him would only make things worse in the moment.

The real problem was that Hank couldn’t decide, because the other had never gotten upset like this before, so he couldn’t be sure what the best way to handle the situation would be. And the last thing he wanted to do was make things worse.

In the end, his indecision kept him frozen in place, trapped inside feelings of disappointment and guilt as he stared off into space. The Lieutenant had never been one for dealing with his emotions in positive or constructive ways, so he chose to handle his jumbled thoughts in the only way he knew how; by drowning them.

So, against his better judgment, he poured himself another drink. At least that way he could convince himself that everything would be better in the morning.


	4. A Dangerous Emotion

By the time Hank finally headed in for the night, Connor still hadn’t come to bed. He was in the bathroom when Hank laid down, and he stayed there until he was certain the man had fallen asleep.

He just...couldn’t face him like this.

As soon as Connor had left the kitchen and gotten out of the Lieutenant’s line of sight, he broke down on the spot. Tears began flowing uncontrollably from his eyes, and his legs became so weak that it was suddenly hard to stand.

There was a crushing feeling in his chest, and he found himself shaking as he snuck into the bathroom and collapsed over the sink. No matter how much he tried to calm himself down, to force his systems back to baseline, he just couldn’t seem to shake this heavy feeling.

It was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, an emotion so powerful that it overtook him completely and ripped that self-control that he valued so dearly straight from his grasp.

Connor stood and pressed his back to the door, his weary knees giving out as he slid down to sit on the tile floor, exhaustion weighing down on him as his chest was wracked with quiet sobs.

What the hell was happening to him? Why was he reacting so strongly over Hank’s words? Why did they cut so deeply?

Back when they’d first met, Hank had said way worse things to him during several of their more aggressive encounters, and Connor had simply been able to shrug them off like they were nothing. But now...he just wasn’t capable of that.

Of course their relationship had changed significantly since then, and they were much closer now than they’d ever been in the past, but...that still didn’t explain it fully. There was something more to it than Connor ever could have realized until that moment.

Because the truth of the matter was that, in the back of Connor’s mind, he still wondered if Hank saw him as anything more than just an android; and the possibility of the answer being “no” was  _terrifying_. 

He wanted so desperately to believe that their relationship was more than that. And usually, he did; but he still couldn’t keep those doubts from resurfacing in his mind time and time again, and they’d been coming up more and more frequently as of late.

So he couldn’t keep himself from wondering...did Hank really mean what he said? Was he really just deluding himself, and butting in where he didn’t belong? Did Hank even  _ want  _ him in his life anyone? Did he  _ever_?

Connor squeezed his eyes shut tightly as the tears slid down his face, the questions continuing to twist through his mind like a hot coil.

_ Why do you care so much? _

This was the next question that came, a feeling of shame coming over him at his erratic and irrational behavior. How could he allow himself to lose control so drastically? And all because Hank had lost patience with him?

Why  _ did  _ he care? Why was the thought of losing his closeness with the Lieutenant so devastating? Why did the idea of the man not wanting him around any longer make him feel sick?

Why was Hank so important to him?

As Connor sit there on the bathroom floor, his cheeks wet and stained with the first tears he’d ever cried, he finally realized what the answer was.

He...was in love with Hank.

As these words crossed into his mind, Connor knew that they were true. But what did they mean, really? What did it mean for him, for their relationship?

If Hank was already getting tired of him, then there was no way Connor could be truthful about this; he feared for what would happen should he find out. Would he kick the deviant out? Would he be disgusted by him?

The possibility of everything Connor held close and dear being taken from him so suddenly was not one he wanted to consider. He wasn’t even sure what he would do if something like that happened, and if he were being honest with himself, it wasn’t something he liked to think about at all.

Life without Hank was...not a life he wanted.

So if keeping this to himself meant preserving what they had, that was a sacrifice Connor was willing to make, no matter how difficult it might be for him to do so. He’d never dealt with anything like this before, so he wasn’t really even sure  _how_ to go about handling it.

But if there was one thing he did know, it was that he couldn’t let Hank find out about how he truly felt. If he slipped up and revealed how deeply his connection with the Lieutenant had actually developed...he wasn’t sure there would be any connection left to save.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any spelling errors, I wasn’t able to edit this one as thoroughly as usual.


End file.
